I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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