Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
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