after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
