I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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