Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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