Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
third nipple confirmed
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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