I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
