I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
