I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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