i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
