Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
