I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
