he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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