i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Randomize
