masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
