i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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