She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
