dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
