his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
