Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
