I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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