god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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