You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
