I have demons in me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
