I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
There's always time for handjobs
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
