I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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