In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
