Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My dad just said "fuck circus"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
