cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
