I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
