I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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