I skipped work to stalk him.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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