I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
