I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
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