Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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