there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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