Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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