I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
