Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
