My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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