Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
