Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Me. At least after what I've been through.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
