Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
