I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
