You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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