I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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