Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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