I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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