You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
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