Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
