so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
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