Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
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