I'm sorry my penis didn't work
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
